In my denomination, congregations elect their pastors. During pastoral training, my classmates and I often heard about Joe Johnson, an Ohio pastor with zero no-votes over nearly 30 years. I saw this as the benchmark for ministerial success.
As a new minister decades ago, I poured everything into my sermons—sweating through preparations, praying fervently, smiling broadly, and dressing sharply to project dignity. My hands shook opening the results of my first ballot: 31 yes, one no, one abstain. Looking back, that's impressive. But then, it crushed me because it wasn't Joe Johnson's perfect record. I called my dad.
'I don't know if I can stay in church,' I moaned.
'What was the vote?' he asked. I told him, and he laughed heartily.
'Oh, John, stay,' he said. 'I know you—this is the best vote you'll ever get!'
That humbled me. Chasing popularity makes you vulnerable to poor decisions, groupthink, and ethical compromises. Thankfully, wise counsel like my father's helped me build emotional resilience.
Related: 10 Signs of a Desperate Leader Through the Eyes of a Pastor
We often credit IQ for success, but high performers rely heavily on emotional intelligence. Emotionally strong leaders sidestep pitfalls like people-pleasing. Here are four mistakes they avoid:
1. They don't indulge in self-pity.
You can't complain and lead effectively. I follow a 24-hour rule: When life hits hard, I allow 24 hours for self-pity—complaining, moping, driving my wife Margaret and inner circle crazy. Then I stop. Perpetual complainers are toxic; their negativity spreads like a virus.
Optimism and resilience are equally contagious, but they require emotional strength to cultivate and leadership to instill organization-wide. Next time self-pity tempts you, practice tough self-love instead.
2. They don't surrender their power.
Average people often undermine high achievers—pushing another drink when you have a 9 a.m. presentation, sniping at your workload, or dampening your enthusiasm with negativity. Each concession erodes your power and drains your energy.
This is my toughest lesson: No one wants to distance from friends or colleagues. Healthy relationships fuel dreams; toxic ones stifle them. You may lose some connections, but you'll attract like-minded allies.
3. They focus on what they can control.
'Keep a book in your glove box,' my father advised years ago. 'You never know when you'll wait for a train.' I still do, turning idle time productive instead of cursing delays or traffic.
Too many waste energy on uncontrollables: lost luggage, long lines, others' actions. Consider Will Bowen, founder of the Complaint Free World movement. His group has distributed over 11 million purple wristbands in 106 countries to curb complaints and redirect energy positively. His gem: 'Complaining is like bad breath—you notice it in others, not yourself.'
4. They don't repeat mistakes.
Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting different results. Emotionally resilient people reflect daily. Each evening, I review the day—not to dwell on errors or self-punish, but to note successes for replication and failures for avoidance.
Human nature favors judging others over self-scrutiny, but resilient leaders seek truth starting inward. As I've led for decades and studied people and organizations, I've seen intellect alone falls short. Higher up, success hinges on self-awareness, self-control, stress tolerance, and emotional agility that inspires amid adversity.
I distanced from some friends, honored my choices, and curbed whining about life's injustices. Dad was right—that near-unanimous vote was my peak approval. Yet, I'm a stronger, more resilient leader today.
Related: 7 Qualities of People with High Emotional Intelligence
This article originally appeared in the October 2017 issue of SUCCESS magazine.
