After completing my business and marketing studies at a renowned French business school, I created an independent digital marketing and content creation agency. I was determined to succeed. Going from freelance content creator to full-time agency owner, I expected to continue doing what I had been doing but with collaborators and on a larger scale.
I loved writing, creating visual content and exploring new industries. This was the main reason that pushed me to start freelancing. Creating an agency seemed like a logical step to me. So I took up the challenge and launched my agency.
I had to learn how to negotiate, ask for help, manage people and convince them that I was offering them something worth buying. I had to “wow” customers while making sure my team did the same. In addition, I had to comply with all legal requirements. I had to manage various risks.
The list was long.
Facing a myriad of difficulties, making a few mistakes, repeating, finally, I got my long-awaited success. As paradoxical as it may seem, the moment the agency started making a profit, I realized I was on the wrong track. I realized that for some reason I despised my success.
I realized that I had become a result-oriented robot. What was devastating was that my professional goals did not reflect my deep motivations. I didn't like what I was doing:I found it tedious and unworthy of my time.
At that time, I suffered from a pernicious feeling that I was wasting my brains and my creativity. Looking back, I know I was doing “the right things” and the discipline was fascinating. The problem was that I wasn't doing what was right for me. My actions were not in line with my personality.
As a child, I was an experimenter, an adventurer and a dreamer. I was fascinated by art and science. Curiosity about the underlying mechanisms of our world has been my main stimulus. I could spend hours playing alone – drawing, solving math puzzles, creating my own characters and communicating with them.
I dreamed of the inventions I wanted to make and the trips I hoped to make. I was determined to become either an artist or a scientist. However, I had two other traits that later deterred me from doing what I thought was right for me.
I was too sensitive and my sense of dignity was overdeveloped. I was afraid of making mistakes and for me asking for help was the hardest thing ever. Because of these particular characteristics, when it came time to choose my college degree, I shut down my inner voice, gave in to my low self-esteem, and made a decision based on what I saw as a "logical reasoning".
Thinking that maybe I didn't have enough talent for art and not enough inventiveness for science and doubting that art or science could help me develop the skills I needed to become financially independent, I decided to choose business as a great – a haven. At the time, it seemed like a wise decision. I was adept at rationalizing anything. Thus, I deluded myself into believing that I was doing the right thing.
What a mistake!
After entering university, I was excited to explore a new field. However, from the second year, I became anxious. I realized that the field I was studying did not challenge me. I started taking classes in other departments – computer science, math, arts, etc. Academically, I was a director. I worked part-time and everything went well.
Nevertheless, I was not happy and my anxiety continued. I felt like I was trying to lead a race, but I didn't need the winner's trophy. In fact, I had no desire to compete but something prevented me from leaving the race. Even in these circumstances, instead of realizing that the simple reason for my displeasure was that I had put myself in a place where I did not belong, I blamed external factors.
Having loops of failure and success, facing obstacles, facing them and cultivating confidence in myself, I realized that even though I seemed to have found the formula for success, I was miserable. Right from the start, by choosing a discipline based on my fears and doubts rather than my core values and personality, I had put myself in the wrong place.
Essentially, I imitated the actions of people who seemed to be successful in my field, but I missed the crux. I was somewhere I didn't belong. The failures I have experienced in doing business have toughened me while success has increased my self-esteem. Thus, I learned to be in harmony with myself.
I am reborn.
I realized that giving in to my hidden fears, I had taken the common path instead of listening to my heart. In other words, I tried to do what the world praised instead of doing what motivated me and in which I had real faith.
After running the agency for less than a year, I sold it, applied, and accepted into a master's degree program in engineering. Then I created my art portfolio. I dared to follow my passion and never looked back. I knew I could face difficulties but I knew I would never betray myself and never let my fears take over my life.
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